| | Firstly, I've fucked
my sleeping schedule up once again, badly. When is my sleeping ever
normal? It's not. But it's usually not like...this. I feel tired
constantly, I zone out often, I'm cranky as hell and I'm quiet. It's
pretty shitty. My grandma even commented the other day that I looked
'tired'. Somehow she's always the first to notice when I don't sleep.
She comments on it. Of course my parents are used to seeing me look
tired, since I usually do, but I guess she isn't. I've been sleeping 15
minutes before work some days -- today I didn't sleep at ALL before
work. I took a "nap" at 7pm and stayed asleep until around 1am. So from
1am, until now, I've been wide awake.
On top of my sleeping
being messed up, I've gotten myself hooked on Second Life. I can sense
it already, it's going to be a mega addiction. Like Palace was back in
the day, and like RPing is now. I'm loving it, but dreading the fact
that it could very easily take over my computer life. Especially seeing
that I don't feel like being on the computer much lately anyway? It's
something new, something different, a new toy if you will -- a reason
for me to get on.
Speaking of the computer? I haven't felt like
getting on much. Maybe I don't feel like I have as much of a purpose as
I once did to sign on each night, or I've just lost my interest in it
for the moment, but it's frustrating as hell. Instead of enjoying the
hours I'm spending in front of the glowing box, I'm finding myself
wanting to be doing other things. Wanting to be free. If that makes
sense. An exception to this is for my PSLs. I love writing, and I still
look forward to reading, and writing replies, as well as scening
through AIM. But as far as everything else goes? Signing on AIM/MSN?
Updating my journal? Updating my character journal? Signing my one
character with a home on? I'd rather be doing something else. I hope
this passes soon, I really do. Because don't get me wrong! I love the
one character I do play, I'm just having a difficult time dealing with
the fact that with communities and having a storyline within them,
you're bound to obligations. It's not like this is any news to me,
obviously. It's just lately it's become a struggle. I can't bring
myself to be on at consistent times each day/night like I was. Instead
it's rather sporadic when/if I sign on. But...I hope I get back into
the swing of things soon. I really do, because I sure as hell don't
want to lose the line I have for her, nor do I want to resort to
dropping her.
As for the meantime? My thoughts are running wild.
I have a gazillion things on my 'to do' list. I want to do all sorts of
things that I didn't before. New things, and things I never got around
to. It's scaring me. This sudden motivation to be something other than
a lazy lump. I get like this sometimes, but let's see if this time I
can actually achieve anything I put on the 'to do' list. Usually, I
overload myself with so many tasks, most which sound easier and more
exciting than when they're actually done, and I wind up quitting
everything halfway through. Bleh.
Oh, and a happy ending to this
update? I've decided I'm going to remain friends with Kate. I've been
told by a few friends that I should cut contact, she's not worth my
time, blah blah blah. However, those are their thoughts. I have to do
what's best for me in this situation, not what everyone else thinks I
should do. I know that if I were to follow anyones advice but my own I'd wind up being unhappy. I know this because the few days we didn't
talk, I felt worse than the days that we did. I can't follow anyones
heart but my own here. That's not who I am, ever was, or ever will be.
I don't give a flying fuck at this point if I'm judged. Hopefully I
won't be. A friend would understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and
not question. They don't know Kate like I do, and though yes, some of
our relationship was untruthful, there's plenty of amazing times and
good qualities that I can see past the negative for. I could go on
here, with reasons why I'm keeping her around. But I won't, because I
don't need to prove myself to anyone. Let's face it, as much as I can
shit talk her? It's simply that. Shit. Most of what I said about her was
angered words used to hide a broken heart and though some of what I
said held truth, a lot was more dramatically put than it needed to be.
This is how I'm looking at it: the 2+ years that we spent as a couple
were the happiest two years of my life, and there's no denying, or
ignoring that. I don't know if I'm ever going to 'get over' her, or be
able to feel the way I feel about her about anyone else. I've accepted
the fact that we're over as far as a relationship goes, and life
happens. It's not easy because I still feel completely different than
she does. I DID feel a connection between us, and I DID have faith that
we were going to last forever, even when I blinded myself to things
falling apart. I somehow believed they were fixable. I'm not saying she
never felt a connection, or didn't have faith in us, because I know
before we broke up she did, but I haven't fallen out of love with her
like she has me. However, I'm not holding any sort of grudge. It would
be silly to! If she doesn't think we're compatible, so be it. She's
shown me happiness I never knew existed, as well as given me the
opportunity to feel love -- the real thing. I'd never take back those
two years. They're not wasted, because I've grown from this, I've got
great memories I'll cherish forever, and the relationship ended with me
being able to keep my best friend. Maybe I'm being too nice here, maybe I'm not. I really don't care what I'm being, because I'm being myself
and doing what I feel is right, and that's all I can do. She's been one
of my best friends for the entire time we've been dating, and then
some, and to just throw away one of the greatest friendships I've ever
had because we broke up, because of a conflict romantically? That would
be incredibly stupid on my part, and I'm not doing it.
This
update has been pure random. Blame it on lack of sleep if you wish. It
feels good to update like this though. It's been awhile. I feel like
more of myself than I was for awhile. And uh, I guess i'll write some sort of introduction on myself at a later time. For now, if you want to know more, just visit my myspace.
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| | Posted 8/24/2007 6:40 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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