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| Getting kinda deep...The past few days I've been thinking way more than usual. About myself, life, society, greed, betrayal, strength and everything in between. What are the pros of being kind to people? What are the cons of being like the rest of society? Is there anyone out there who's left who truly cares about others? I mean, there are a few but in ratio to the greedy fucks, how badly do the pessimistic outweigh the optimistic? So many questions, where are the answers?
Since I was a kid I've always been the type of person who's been pushed around, walked on, spit on, yadda yadda. I've been what some might call abused (mentally, and emotionally) because of how easily I forgive people, hand out second chances, and just how overly optimistic I am when it comes to others. Throughout the years it's scarred me in ways, and shaped me in others. There was a point where I put up walls, for a few years, and I played the whole tough chick role for awhile pretending to be this bad ass I wasn't. To an extent it worked, but not really. I had plenty of so-called-friends but at the same time? These so called friends were really just a bunch of fakes, and they did nothing but back stab the shit out of people, people who eventually included myself. I wondered why while I had all of these fakes in my life, I was such an unhappy person. After seeing their true colors, I went back to being the real me. The me that wasn't so 'bad ass', but instead was 100% real. It was then that I found myself happier. I believe that those you associate yourself with can have an impact on your life. Of course you are the one to make that decision on how big of an impact you're going to let them have. Could be big, could be small. But when you spend large chunks of your life with people who aren't true to themselves, and aren't true to you, it's hard to not be effected by it.
Someday, I want to make an impact on people. I've still no clue how I will do this, or when, but before my life is over I want to change lives for the better. Promoting optimism, and creating smiles. That is all I know for now. I am in no hurry to do such a thing, I know when it's time to do my part I'll know all I need. For now, I'm just being me, and staying true to myself.
I strive to be positive in most situations. Sure, it isn't always the easiest route but what good does it do to whine and bitch about something? None. Rather than draw negative attention to oneself, it's better to focus on positive things. There is always positivity to focus on, too. As long as you set your mind to thinking how it should be, there is no reason to be negative. It drives me nuts when people constantly want attention. When they don't care about anyone or anything but themselves. It's sad, really. I wish I could help them. Oh, and people who have the ability to hurt others and go on as if nothing happened, and to think selfishly when making decisions, as well as when living life in general. I do not see how these kinds of people can be happy. I guess I cannot relate to them. I've tried in the past, and I've failed with much frustration. It boggles my mind how some humans can be so cold, shallow and greedy. I have never been able to hurt anyone without feeling great amounts of regret, and pain myself. I wound up instantly making amends. I find it hard to communicate with those whom are negative thinkers. Sadly, I'm starting to believe that most of this world is made up of negative thinkers. That, or I'm just not around the positive ones. If people had a better mind frame on how life was, and didn't act like the tiniest things were the end of the world, it would be a much better place, and they would enjoy things much more. We'd probably have much less Prozac prescriptions being handed out, we'd have less drug addicts and alcoholics.
I see no purpose in dwelling on flaws. It bothers me a lot to see people pick others apart. Who are we to judge one another? I understand everyone has insecurities when it comes to themselves -- hell, I have plenty... but judging others? There is no need. Ever. The things in which I see others talk shit about, tease people on, and criticize one another about are usually things that classify as beyond ridiculous. This world is disgusting, and it's only continuing to get worse.
Nobody these days wants anything to do with anything if it doesn't benefit themselves. There isn't a such thing as 'kindness' anymore. When acts of kindness are committed, one is lead to believe that a favor is owed in return. I wish I lived in the times that Jesus lived, really. Not saying I want to nail myself to a cross because I love people, but just the appreciation people had for him in doing what he did, and the way people acted, the world wasn't in the state of chaos it is today.
So, optimism. Who's got it? | | |
| Life...I really wish I was SLEEPING right now, as any normal person would be. But nope, guess what? I'm sitting here eating goldfish crackers (cheddar, in case you were wondering lmao), and drinking diet Pepsi. It's 4:13 AM. I have to be awake at a decent hour tomorrow and not spend half the day napping. The past week or so my sleeping patterns have been off the fucking wall. Like, I'm lucky if I get half an hour of sleep some nights before work. Then I come home and crash almost immediately. Not fun, but I can't seem to fall asleep at night. It's not that I'm depressed, or anythings wrong because... I'm fine? I'm actually pretty damn content these days! But I just sit up thinking about the most random shit. Things I should update about, what I'll wear the next day, chores, etc. Anything and everything that I can think of, I do. And it takes away from my sleep time. Only when my eyes can no longer keep themselves open on their own do I pass out.
Tomorrow is one of my brothers' shows. Should be fun, to an extent. Seeing him perform is always cool, as well as hanging out with my cousin and her boyfriend before and during the show, but the other bands are most likely going to suck. I have no fucking clue what I'm wearing either. I kind of want to bum it out and wear pj pants but...it's a bar setting and all. I wanna kinda look nice I guess too. I did have my outfit perfectly planned out but I feel too much like a whale currently to wear it.  I guess I'll save it for another occasion. Not this weekend. Fuck you, ovaries.
I watched Not Another Teen Movie tonight! I think this was the first time in like three years I've actually seen the movie in it's entirety (is that a word?!) rather than just catching the end. It was on VH1 though and I was definitely in a Chris Evans mood. When am I not? He's delicious. Mmm. Speaking of films I need to finish watching John Tucker Must Die. It was ridiculously stupid from where I left off, yet at the same time it was funny as well. Movies like that always amuse me. There are so many that are exactly the same, yet slightly different details make them funny and capture you enough to make you enjoy it.
My mouth hurts now from chewing. Damn stitches. I really can't complain though, I haven't had much pain at all? It just goes to show what kind of tolerance I have for pain I guess. Some people bitch and moan when they get teeth pulled, and here I got a wisdom tooth pulled, and infected one even, and I FELT it as they ripped it out. My mouth was numb, but I guess not all the nerves they pulled from? Who knows. Yet...here I am going on two days later, and I've survived with almost no painkillers. I took the ibuprofen extra strength twice, which I probably could've gotten away with taking Tylenol. I just figured I would be in a lottt more pain than I was. I have an entire bottle of vicodin as well, which is going straight to the trash I suppose because I don't need or want it. Haven't touched it and don't plan on it. I can't believe people even get that shit prescribed for teeth being pulled?! And twenty dosages worth? Christ. Yet we wonder how people get so easily addicted. Pft. Dentists hand them out like candy. Well, I'm off for tonight I suppose. Enough of my rambling.
P.S. Mango Frozen Sorbet is heaven. | | |
| What a way to start a new journal...Firstly, I've fucked
my sleeping schedule up once again, badly. When is my sleeping ever
normal? It's not. But it's usually not like...this. I feel tired
constantly, I zone out often, I'm cranky as hell and I'm quiet. It's
pretty shitty. My grandma even commented the other day that I looked
'tired'. Somehow she's always the first to notice when I don't sleep.
She comments on it. Of course my parents are used to seeing me look
tired, since I usually do, but I guess she isn't. I've been sleeping 15
minutes before work some days -- today I didn't sleep at ALL before
work. I took a "nap" at 7pm and stayed asleep until around 1am. So from
1am, until now, I've been wide awake.
On top of my sleeping
being messed up, I've gotten myself hooked on Second Life. I can sense
it already, it's going to be a mega addiction. Like Palace was back in
the day, and like RPing is now. I'm loving it, but dreading the fact
that it could very easily take over my computer life. Especially seeing
that I don't feel like being on the computer much lately anyway? It's
something new, something different, a new toy if you will -- a reason
for me to get on.
Speaking of the computer? I haven't felt like
getting on much. Maybe I don't feel like I have as much of a purpose as
I once did to sign on each night, or I've just lost my interest in it
for the moment, but it's frustrating as hell. Instead of enjoying the
hours I'm spending in front of the glowing box, I'm finding myself
wanting to be doing other things. Wanting to be free. If that makes
sense. An exception to this is for my PSLs. I love writing, and I still
look forward to reading, and writing replies, as well as scening
through AIM. But as far as everything else goes? Signing on AIM/MSN?
Updating my journal? Updating my character journal? Signing my one
character with a home on? I'd rather be doing something else. I hope
this passes soon, I really do. Because don't get me wrong! I love the
one character I do play, I'm just having a difficult time dealing with
the fact that with communities and having a storyline within them,
you're bound to obligations. It's not like this is any news to me,
obviously. It's just lately it's become a struggle. I can't bring
myself to be on at consistent times each day/night like I was. Instead
it's rather sporadic when/if I sign on. But...I hope I get back into
the swing of things soon. I really do, because I sure as hell don't
want to lose the line I have for her, nor do I want to resort to
dropping her.
As for the meantime? My thoughts are running wild.
I have a gazillion things on my 'to do' list. I want to do all sorts of
things that I didn't before. New things, and things I never got around
to. It's scaring me. This sudden motivation to be something other than
a lazy lump. I get like this sometimes, but let's see if this time I
can actually achieve anything I put on the 'to do' list. Usually, I
overload myself with so many tasks, most which sound easier and more
exciting than when they're actually done, and I wind up quitting
everything halfway through. Bleh.
Oh, and a happy ending to this
update? I've decided I'm going to remain friends with Kate. I've been
told by a few friends that I should cut contact, she's not worth my
time, blah blah blah. However, those are their thoughts. I have to do
what's best for me in this situation, not what everyone else thinks I
should do. I know that if I were to follow anyones advice but my own I'd wind up being unhappy. I know this because the few days we didn't
talk, I felt worse than the days that we did. I can't follow anyones
heart but my own here. That's not who I am, ever was, or ever will be.
I don't give a flying fuck at this point if I'm judged. Hopefully I
won't be. A friend would understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and
not question. They don't know Kate like I do, and though yes, some of
our relationship was untruthful, there's plenty of amazing times and
good qualities that I can see past the negative for. I could go on
here, with reasons why I'm keeping her around. But I won't, because I
don't need to prove myself to anyone. Let's face it, as much as I can
shit talk her? It's simply that. Shit. Most of what I said about her was
angered words used to hide a broken heart and though some of what I
said held truth, a lot was more dramatically put than it needed to be.
This is how I'm looking at it: the 2+ years that we spent as a couple
were the happiest two years of my life, and there's no denying, or
ignoring that. I don't know if I'm ever going to 'get over' her, or be
able to feel the way I feel about her about anyone else. I've accepted
the fact that we're over as far as a relationship goes, and life
happens. It's not easy because I still feel completely different than
she does. I DID feel a connection between us, and I DID have faith that
we were going to last forever, even when I blinded myself to things
falling apart. I somehow believed they were fixable. I'm not saying she
never felt a connection, or didn't have faith in us, because I know
before we broke up she did, but I haven't fallen out of love with her
like she has me. However, I'm not holding any sort of grudge. It would
be silly to! If she doesn't think we're compatible, so be it. She's
shown me happiness I never knew existed, as well as given me the
opportunity to feel love -- the real thing. I'd never take back those
two years. They're not wasted, because I've grown from this, I've got
great memories I'll cherish forever, and the relationship ended with me
being able to keep my best friend. Maybe I'm being too nice here, maybe I'm not. I really don't care what I'm being, because I'm being myself
and doing what I feel is right, and that's all I can do. She's been one
of my best friends for the entire time we've been dating, and then
some, and to just throw away one of the greatest friendships I've ever
had because we broke up, because of a conflict romantically? That would
be incredibly stupid on my part, and I'm not doing it.
This
update has been pure random. Blame it on lack of sleep if you wish. It
feels good to update like this though. It's been awhile. I feel like
more of myself than I was for awhile. And uh, I guess i'll write some sort of introduction on myself at a later time. For now, if you want to know more, just visit my myspace.
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